Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

Thinking about Jeff

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

don’t be scared

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”