Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.