Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bobvulfov

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

@notalogin

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@david8hughes

[first day as a lion tamer]
Me: ok you need to settle down

@LaniBeno

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

@WittySassBasket

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

@EricGoldie

If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.

@Shanehasabeard

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.