Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
wish me luck lads
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it