Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by