Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
You Might Also Like
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Is this a threat?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”