Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

men are simple creatures

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

This is I, Robot all over again

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.