Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
God has abandoned us.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.