Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Never be a pizza!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?