Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

this is so top tier i cant

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.