Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Introverted vegans go meetless
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.