Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
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me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off