@lasergirl70
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
@AbbieEvansXO
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
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@lasergirl70
@kidnapped_jesus
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
@daemonic3
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
@GrantTanaka
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
@Jerrypleasure
[first day as an archaeologist]
ME: *digging*
COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You’re gonna get us all fired
@UncleDuke1969
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
@thegoodgodabove
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
@TuSoonShakur
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
@wildrainbow2
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
@molly7anne
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping