Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
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*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house