Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’m sorry…what?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
barbara was highly relatable
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭