I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer
guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
a public service announcement