Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.