Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.