HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.