HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.