Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

is it too early for christmas memes

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”