“We are out of oranges” he said, fruitlessly.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again
Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
*69 minutes later*
A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.
Stay in school kids.