HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You Might Also Like
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
True
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*