HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…


Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.


Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..


Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.


ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again


Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect


Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.


[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice


A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.

Stay in school kids.