Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.