Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Rude much 😂😂😂

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Doug is just Canadian for dog

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.