Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.