Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice