Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Wake me when AI does housework
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.