Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The Backseat Boys
This rocks
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company