Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Today’s tshirt

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?