Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling