Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically