Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”