Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
That’s what I call a flat tire
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Family Celebrity
Me trying to “trust the process”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.