@clindsaysway

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

You Might Also Like

@HughGoesThere

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

@jacquelinehey

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

@stuzario

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

@steeve_again

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

@girlontapas

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

@trevso_electric

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

@wettbutt

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes