Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.