Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

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[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep


Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you


Her dad said he’d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.


If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.


“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks


I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.


I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.


Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.


cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly