me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes