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@clindsaysway: Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
@karanbirtinna: Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
@kelkatcox: Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??
I thought you said gin.
Either way, make mine a double.
@bransonreese: The Person Who Discovered Sharks
@truegritrumble: ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out.