Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
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When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.