Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
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reminder
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Voting is the worst group project
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.