Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??