Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Whoa 😂

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣