Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

👍

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.