[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
You Might Also Like
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Breaking news:
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”