Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.