Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

bout dat hot dog summer

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

Storm Tropical Storm

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]