him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.