Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’