him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Posting this on behalf of a friend
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.