Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Seek kebab; not attention

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

❤️🦆

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”