Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

So we got a goldfish…

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling