Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

Brands during Pride

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.