Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Natty or not?

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?