Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.