Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.