@SaltyCorpse

Him: That’s a little dramatic.

Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.

You Might Also Like

@AndrewsNotFunny

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

@robin_991

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@BoucheDag2k

Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win

@thetigersez

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

@FuckTyping

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

@Gooooats

I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.

@darksidedeb

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.