Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Him: That’s a little dramatic.
Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.
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11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.
Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.