Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”