Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I put the mess in domestic.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.