Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

some cats are just doing for fun!

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.