Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

My birth announcement for our third baby

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

omg leave her alone

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here