Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

My wedding will be open casket.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro