Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping