HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking