Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Banking tips
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.