Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song