Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Getting married soon just need a spouse
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: