Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink