Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

This could’ve been an email.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

much to think about

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.