Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters