Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Nigella has gone too far this time.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
This hospital has everything
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet