Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
#CatsOnTwitter
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.