Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.