Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
