Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
two people or more is called a problem
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
This checks out
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
